An Honest Review of Colorado’s New Trump Portrait: He’s Basically a Sentient Cheez-It

The artist captured his true essence: scowl, entitlement, and a color not found in nature.

“BEHOLD!”

So, Colorado’s state capitol has updated their official portrait of Donald Trump (the one on the left) because the man complained about the original (the one on the right).

First of all, imagine being so thin-skinned you need a new taxpayer-funded portrait because the old one wouldn’t lie for you. The first one looked like a scowling DMV photo taken before he’d had his morning Adderall. Blank. Puffy. Confused.

But let me just say, with all due respect to the artist, to the office of the presidency, and to the fine tradition of portraiture: This new portrait is what happens when you ask a Ouija board to draw your mugshot. The artist has delivered a work of art so brutal it deserves its own exhibition in the Museum of Unintentional Honesty.

Look at it, Y’all!

It’s less “presidential oil painting” and more haunted antique shop find. The entire piece has the lighting of a seance gone wrong. If paintings could whisper, this one would hiss: “You’re fired. And also, you’re under arrest.”

It’s so angry it seems to sweat. This portrait radiates the energy of a man who is deeply angry about being turned away at Golden Corral for showing up without shoes.

Look at that skin tone, Y’all. He’s not orange. He’s burnished Cheez-It.

He’s the color of a 3-day-old rotisserie chicken under a gas station heat lamp. It’s giving dehydrated Fanta. It’s giving cooked ham dipped in Tang powder. It’s giving burnt orange Crayola had a meltdown. It’s giving this man is literally jaundiced with rage. The shading is so aggressive it looks like he’s lit from the fires of hell itself.

His eyes are icy blue pinpricks of accusation, like he just learned his Big Mac meal doesn’t come with a toy.

His hair is a windswept meringue of entitlement. An immaculate rendering of self-delusion. It’s a straw-blonde swirl of tax evasion and NDAs. You can practically smell the Aqua Net and fear of aging

His expression says: “I will steal Christmas.”

Dear readers, this is not really a portrait. It’s a threat. If you look at it for too long you’ll develop a Southern accent and start saying “the election was stolen.”

I want to be very clear: The artist did a great job. They captured exactly who Donald Trump is. Because it turns out if you paint Trump accurately, he looks like a supervillain who’s about to bulldoze the orphanage to build a gold toilet.

At the end of the day, Colorado didn’t just swap one portrait for another. They went from “deranged DMV energy” to “final boss of American fascism.”

And he asked for it.

He demanded it.

He complained so hard they gave him the truth in a revised portrait that says, “I absolutely did the crimes and am doing them all again.”

It’s perfect. It’s cursed. It’s American history.

5/5 stars.

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